Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
