Apparently you make a good broom.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
