oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
two words...techno handjob
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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