so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
