She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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