Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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