john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
We are two peas in an std pod
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
