So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
