I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
