my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
even my farts smell like vagina
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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