Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
