the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
