Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
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