you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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