Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
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