Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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