U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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