my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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