You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
