he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
