He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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