dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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