The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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