got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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