my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
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