Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
