Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
