And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
