Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
