That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
