You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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