she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
