Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
