The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
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