I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
