im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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