oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Randomize
