He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
