No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
