Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
