I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
