i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I can't trust your balls anymore.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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