im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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