I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
