Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
