The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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