the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
