Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Randomize
