got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
