I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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