Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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