found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
