I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Randomize
